It was the most terrifying moment of my life, killing a man.
And yet, I felt something I never thought I would in my entire existence–ultimate control. Of course I had the ability to spare his life. The choice was entirely mine. And yet, if I did, I would not only risk my own life, but also that of Bronwynn, my favoured guardsman.
You see, I learned something very valuable in this moment about “kill or be killed”- it isn’t so much a thought as it is an instinct. I wasn’t Juniper, crowned Princess of the Realm at that moment. I was just a young woman who had just lost her brother, Thobias, the former crowned prince, to a war raid on his camp. I was already filled with sadness, anger, and all the other dreadful emotions that take over when you’ve lost someone dear to you. In fact, we were only just returning to the palace from the surviving Royal Family’s mourning respite in the countryside, after laying him to rest. Indeed my current mind state was that of a grieving sister, daughter, and friend to those who risked their lives to protect me; my guardsman. Now, I was just a young woman frozen in place about to witness another man die for me unless I did something.
I was feeling particularly exhausted prior to our journey back to the castle, and I requested my own carriage, that I might rest and reflect on the events that had recently transpired. I was granted this request, with the caveat I would be accompanied by a few extra men from the guard. I accepted without a second thought, but never again will I think so lightly on such decisions.
The carriage occupied by my parents, the King and Queen, rode on ahead of us as they were eager to return promptly. I, on the other hand, was content to take in the sights and scents of the country. At first, I didn’t mind at all that the horses pulling our rig were moving particularly slow, creating some distance at the back end of the procession between the other carriages. Now I realize the unfortunate part this played in leaving us vulnerable.
The thugs seemed to appear directly out of the trees as they ambushed us, wrecking the carriage and wielding their weapons. Two of the three men sworn to protect me had already fallen to the swift and skillful swords of the bandits before Bronwynn had evened the score. It was down to him and who I perceived to be the leader of this band of murderous miscreants. Bronn had been hurt pretty badly however, and I feared any significant blow could bring him to his demise. I suppose it’s moments like this when life shows even those most unsure of their strength what they’re truly made of.
I had only ever held a sparring sword before this day. When we were younger, I used to watch, dazzled by my brother's agility and power as he cut through the air whilst practicing one of his many talents. Thobias caught me spying on him, and even though I wasn’t supposed to toy around with combat equipment, he let me rip around for a few moments to appease me. It was simultaneously the most foolish yet joyful I’d ever felt in the palace. I quickly became too self aware, at the tender age of ten, and handed the weapon back to him, thanked him, and scampered off to the garden–a much more acceptable place for me to spend my free time. Perhaps somewhere deep in my subconscious mind this memory summoned his spirit to be present with me now.
Watching in horror next to the vandalized carriage, incapacitated by the bandits, I looked on from a short distance as Bronn and his assailant continued their recounter. All at once, Bronwynn came to his knees and horror struck me. Instinctively, I flinched, turning my head away and down to view another unimaginable sight. The dead guard to my left, Thomlin, a once cheerful presence in the palace, lay silent and motionless, as if the surprise of his fatal injury would now be forever cemented in his expression. Not being able to bear this either, my eyes darted away to the shiny object adjacent to his corpse. Thomlin had dropped his sword within my reach as he collapsed into a lifeless form on the dirt road several moments prior. I eyed the glittering silver blade with the thought to retrieve it, but it must have been my brother’s spirit that bestowed upon me the wherewithal to act on my impulse.
In that moment, I resolved that there had already been too much loss in my life as a result of trying to protect it. No longer would I stand by idly without even the slightest means to protect myself, let alone remain unable to assist others in need. In one fluid motion I collected the fallen sword, charged at the remaining bandit, and swung as hard as I could before he could do the same to my friend and guardian.
I let out the most frightful cry as I felt the steel slice through flesh and bone. It was not as I expected, and yet also necessary to know that my efforts had been effective. I collapsed to my knees and locked eyes with Bronwynn. He sat in a state of shock. First in disbelief that I would have the gall to accomplish such a feat with no experience or training in combat. Then, an expression of gratitude and concern for my well-being softened his rugged features.
When we both felt we could stand, he embraced me in one of his comforting bear hugs and I wept violently. Relief, terror, exhilaration and confusion all took turns working their way through me. It felt like an instant and an eternity somehow before another noble’s carriage caught up to us along the road and offered us transport back to the palace.
Bronwynn and I, of course, altered the tale of what really happened to spare ourselves from the aftermath of a guardsman not only failing to protect the Princess, but also needing to be saved by her. We had been through so much already I could not bear the notion that he might be relieved of his duties based on the actual events of the day. Our spun story placed him in the victor’s spotlight of taking down the last bandit, as I watched from the safety of my carriage. This would spare grief and disdain from the rest of the court and of course, the concern of my parents, the King and Queen, who had just lost their crowned Prince and only son. Furthermore, I was happy to have Bronn take the hero’s praise, as he and many others in the Royal’s service were often under appreciated for their daily labours.
For now, he and I are the only two that know what really happened that day. We made it safely back to the palace, where my parents awaited us eagerly, as their carriage arrived well before us. Once everyone was made aware of the tragic incident, Bronn was greeted with a hero’s welcome and we feasted to celebrate everyone’s safe return. I made sure to see to it that the guards we lost on the road that day had an honourable burial service, and new guards were assigned to my detail while Bronn healed his battle wounds.
I’ll be honest. Part of me will always live with the grief of taking a life and feeling at least partly responsible for the loss of others. At the same time, the empowerment I felt saving my own, and that of another good man who has done so much for me and the Royal Family, balance my grief to a tolerable state.
I can’t help but think it’s high time I convince my parents to let me learn to properly defend myself. A day or two a week of training with the guardsmen. Surely that is reasonable considering Thobias’s death and my recent attack? I am aware that this will be quite the undertaking, no doubt. There is no more treacherous a battle than convincing the King and Queen of something that goes against protocol and tradition. Especially when it comes to their only daughter and heir to the throne. Unconventional though it may be for a Princess to step outside the current expectation, unprecedented times call for bold measures.
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